Signing off.

So here I was sitting, thinking about the situation I found myself in. Feeling very vulnerable and alone. I've seen this play out before in others and sometimes the results were not so good. Kind of fatal and final if you get what I mean. That's why I started this blog. To try and express myself and what I was going through and share it with you, my friends. I was hoping to fill you all in about what was happening for me and somehow hoping this would make me feel heard and less alone. Turns out, I was chasing pipe dreams.

After my first post, I was really reluctant to write again. I wrote a few more posts but didn't publish them all. I wasn't sure why at the time, but now in hindsight, things are a little clearer. I've been doing a little self reflection and in doing such, I've uncovered what some would call, traumas. Trauma, as defined by Dr Gabor Maté, "is a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain."

The pain which I've uncovered, which I've been operating with since I can remember is loneliness. It's an epidemic, I know and if we were to use the alarmist language of today, it would be a pandemic, the magnitude of which is far greater than the virus going around right now, at least here down under. 3318 reported fatalities just in 2019, compared with the 910 total so far from the virus. Not sure about the rest of the world but I'm sure 3000+ deaths despite being 11th on the happiest countries rating gives us somewhat of an indication worldwide. I'm not trying to downplay the effects of this virus either, just saying that the loneliness pandemic seems to be significantly overlooked. 

But I digress, my trauma of loneliness has been my MO for many years. In retrospect, I can see it play out in my life from a early age. The desperate attempts to fit in and feel a part of the group stings the most. It still stings when I think about my childhood. I've started a program of self discovery and one of the exercises is to recall in detail, specific events which you remember fondly and had great impact on your life. Everytime I attempt this exercise, it hurts. I try and recall positive events but each one ultimate leads me to feeling isolated and/or alone. There's always been an element of not belonging and trying to fit in.

Unfortunately for me, no matter how hard I tried and succeeded in fitting in, fitting in is not the antidote for loneliness. Research has shown actually, fitting in, contributes to loneliness. Furthermore, sharing your pain and making bids for connection online seems counter productive to achieving connection and belonging. Brené Brown, says not only is sharing your hurt online, NOT being vulnerable, but the responses your get from these bids for connection are hollow. Fortunately for me, I've managed to feel successful enough that I didn't fall into a trap of despair and suicide.

So my friends. That's all I have to say about that. This is the last post in this short lived blog.

I'm happy to report to you all that my recovery, although tiring and testing is progressing very well.
I no longer have any foreign bodies attached. The final dissolvable stitch disappeared today. I'm eating solid foods and back to my pre-hospitalised body weight. My mental health seems stable and I'm seeking further support to help process my traumas so that I'm no longer pissing in the wind tin a futile attempt to fertilise the citrus. 

Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.
I'm always here to lend an ear, just reach out or if you want to keep anonymity, lifeline's got your back 131114.

Much love,

J